Almost rich today.

I was driving down by epping forest today and I could swear I saw a suitcase open on the ground and it looked like it had hundreds of fifty quid notes all spilling out of it. So of course I jammed on the brakes and this silly cunt in the back goes and hits his head on the back of the headrest. I wanted to jump out right there and then to get the money but first I had to deal with this prick who says i broke his nose. I told him I'd clipped a cat and had to go back and finish the twitching fucker off and he went all quiet after that.

So back I go and wouldn't you believe it... What I thought was a huge pile of money turns out to be about 1000 rotting playing cards with ARP SCANDINAVIA written on the back. When I got back to the cab Cunt asked us about the cat and I told him it was going to be 20 quid extra for cleaning and shit.

SAT NAV

Picked up a Sat-nav at the Redbridge Community centre car boot sale yesterday. I wanted to see what all the fuss is about with these things, but far as I can tell sat-nav is a piece of shit. What it does is wherever you are in the world it picks up x-rays from Mars or something and gives you two fuck-off long numbers which are your longertude and lattertude map coordinates. Then you got to get out a map like fucking Captain Cook and make a cross where the two lines meet and that’s where you are. ‘Course by the time you’ve made the cross you’ve driven past that bit so you got to start again. Sat-nav… Shit-nav more like. The cunt I had riding in back kept yelling at me to put the map and the pencils down and look out the windscreen. Said he knew the way anyway, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in 20 years of minicabbing it’s the passengers don’t know fuck about how to get where they want to go unless they want to go to cunt land which is where they’re from anyway. Then the Sat nav (which weighs a fucking ton) slid across my dashboard when I made a right turn and the wire came out and now I think it’s fucked. Worst two quid I ever spent.

Naresh caves in

Naresh has finally given in and arranged for a Xmas bash down at the kebab shop. He says we can have what ever we like off the menu as long as it’s not over £5 (and that includes a cup of tea). I’m trying to get some of the guys to go down Wetherspoons afterwards but none of them are having it. Maybe they're worried about a little competition. I’m going in my Santa costume which I’ve just got dry cleaned (there was a lot of stains) It’s a real winner with the ladies. After my kebab I’m hoping to spread (as in legs) a little ‘X’mas cheer (and when I say cheer I mean spunk). I might not be the real Santa but I’ve got a sack load of goodies to give out- all tadpole shaped. They say that Father Christmas comes just once a year, well he’s one unlucky cunt. If he’s not getting any with Mrs Claus he should contact me as I’ve just laid my paws on a job lot of Love Dolls. I know that she’s not much to look at but I’ll throw in a paper bag to stick over her head.
See you around.
Mick